i got 99 problems and 97 of them are due by the end of the week
& then there’s you. If I’m being honest here then let me tell you that I can probably count all the things that have ever made sense in my life on one hand and you, you’re one of those things. You are more than just my world, you’re my everything that’s ever been since before the dawn of time. You are one of the reasons I know God exists & that he is an all too generous god. Too often when I look at you all I can think is “this is real. You’re here with me, giving me your heart and this is real.” You are here and you keep me grounded whenever I start to wonder off. You bring me back; you always have. The word love doesn’t even do how I feel about you any sort of justice. Baby, I adore you, and there isn’t a thing within my power or not that I wouldn’t do for you. & you can count on that. It’s you and me, darling. For now & always.
It’s on my way home that I talk to you. I tell you about my day, ask you for your opinions and advice. I ask how you would’ve handled situations or how you would’ve reacted. I always ask if I’m making you proud, but lately I’ve mostly been asking “what’s next?”. When you died I didn’t slump into depression, I didn’t become idle or reckless or closed off. I just became numb. Numb. I accepted that you would never walk through the front door again, never walk me down the aisle… and I moved on. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I went to school, was strong for mom, and prayed. I prayed that God would give me one last goodbye, some kind of sign that you were still there. I prayed to God he’d let you visit mom in her sleep and cradle her as she shook. I prayed you’d have one last farther-son talk with Jonny,and tell him he needed to be there for mom and I, that he was the man of the house now. After everything I just prayed it was all a terrible nightmare; that the next day you’d walk through the front door at 3:30pm like always and everything would go back to normal. Jonny would still be around and mom wouldn’t be so lonely and I’d have my dad. It’s crazy because I still talk about you to people as if you’re still around. It’s easy to talk about you with people who don’t exactly know. Memories of a time long ago and somewhat forgotten by those who can move on better than I. The truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you because I see you in everyone and in everything. I see you in every man I pass by, in the people I meet, in the mentors I adopt, and in the church teachings. I see you everywhere and its haunting. Sometimes I just want to forget. Forget that this family isn’t what it use to be, forget that I’ve had to be without you for so long, forget that my mom goes to bed heartbroken every night, forget that you won’t be there when I get home. You see, you were more than a father to me. You were, you still are my guiding light. You’re what I aspire to be in so many ways. & so I ask you, I beg you, Dad, please just tell me what’s next. What do I do?