illustrious creativity.

There’s no masking it or disguising it. I miss you by my side. I miss the look you would give me, as If I was all that mattered. I wish I could feel your arms around me again, and your lips pressed against mine. The way your touch would linger after you’d walked away. Even the way you smelt when you pulled me close. The coolness of your breath, light on my lips, and the warmth of your cheek beside mine. The back massages you would give me, and the way you ran your hands through my hair. Your laugh was so contagious and the sound of your voice made my heart skip a beat.

If I were to say I took a risk on you is a matter of opinion. If I gave you my heart or not is still unclear to even myself, but I do know you hurt it. And I don’t think I love you enough to give you that chance again. Someone once told me that you should give your heart to someone you think is worth being hurt over. Someone you’re willing to risk the pain and heartbreak. Someone who’s willing to do the exact same thing with their own heart. Because that’s what the act of love is. It’s giving each other your heart and taking the risk together, because no matter what happens, you know it was all worth it. And if it truly is love then it is worth it.

The expression “love is a battlefield” is one most of us have heard and that’s the truth. And just like a battlefield we stop in the middle of it all and wonder. “Is this a battle worth fighting?” and the answer, if it’s truly love, is yes. It’s always worth the battle no matter the cost. If you come up with the answer “no” then really what are you fighting for? I don’t think I can carry on this battle for you any longer. I don’t think you’re worth the heartache and pain a second time, or even the first time to be frank. The way you made me feel was something special. Something great. But nothing at all unique. Any charmer or smooth talker could have done what you did, but you made me believe you were something more. Something to hold on to. And as of right now, I’m still not sure how true that is. Please, don’t think I’m only hating on you, or putting you down for my benefit.

The truth is, you were a great guy. Kind hearted and sweet. But I guess you weren’t everything I saw you to be. Clearly I don’t know you as well as I thought, or as well as I hoped. You seem unsure of yourself and what you want. It almost seems you’re still trying to find out who you are even though you try to pull off that you know exactly who you are. You’re still just a boy. Not a man, not even close. And don’t take that as an insult. I’m not saying I’m anything better than just a little girl. But you have to accept that yourself and realize, you don’t know everything, you’re not a man, and you don’t have control.

You told me you still care about me and like me more than you can say. So why did you let me go? I honestly don’t think I will fully understand why you did it. And there’s no way I’ll ever really be able to know. I don’t plan on going out of my way to figure it out but I can’t help but ponder the thought every so often.

This is another reason I can’t see myself giving you my heart in the future, no matter how far. I just don’t see why I would give my heart back to someone who already returned it once before. I don’t know how I could hold on to someone who already let go. I don’t know how I could pick up a flame that already burned me once.

Sure everyone deserves a second chance. And of course, if you let the one you love go and they come back to you then it’s truly worth it. Maybe this isn’t love at all, because I don’t want to come back. I just can’t do that to myself. I don’t think I can take the risk again. I don’t think you could either. You just think you can…

Mixed signals and awkward silences,

you played me hot and cold.

from the start of it all I wasn’t sure how to feel.

part of me knew i was making a mistake,

part of me didn’t give a care in the world.

the only thing i saw was you. you were all i wanted.

I put my faith, trust, and hope in you.

I didn’t hesitate when you asked me to be yours.

I gave you you’re space, i was sure to not push you at all.

But the whole time I questioned what we were doing.

If we were right, if it would work out and if it was worth it..

.

.. Was it all worth it.

I can just hear my brother now..

the term “I told you so” comes to mind, ha

I feel so stupid, but really the word is ignorant.

My trust in you was such a gamble and truth is,

I don’t know if it was all too worth it.

there is so much about you that kept me holding on

to what i was already doubting.

.

your kisses sent chills up my spine, and your touch tingled;

the way you looked at me was as if i was all you could see;

you held me as if I was the most precious thing to you;

you talked to me as if no one else mattered;

you stood by me when he didn’t, when he couldn’t and when he didn’t want to.

you supported me in a way no one else knew how;

you had me thinking about you 24/7, when i woke up and fell asleep;

the littlest things you said made me just melt;

the way you smelt alone was hypnotizing;

the sound of your voice was a soothing song.

.

But in the end you were just like him.

you said you didn’t care enough, so did he;

you said you were to busy and stressed, so did he;

and you said (though it wasn’t enough) you still cared, so did he.

In the end it was as if you couldn’t even speak for yourself.

you were just following the first instinct to pop in your mind.

you were listening to someone who was the first to break my heart.

you barely could even say anything to my face.

.

Now I don’t want to talk to you,

I don’t want to see you,

I don’t want to feel your presence,

I don’t want to hear about you,

think about you, be reminded of you, or have anything to do with you.

And you don’t even know that I know the things you said.

like him, you made me feel stupid,

uncared for, unimportant,

and flat out not good enough.

i put so much faith in you and you threw it back in my face.

you have me regretting, resenting, and wanting to rewind.

you have my emotions all confused and mixing with each other.

.

I’m Upset, disappointed, annoyed, sad, irritated, angry,

in disbelief, frustrated, hateful, but most of all, relieved.

I doubted it all so much, i was afraid of losing you,

but now that its actually over I can breath again.

i can think right, and not have to worry.

I prayed to God that things would work out between us,

and even though we broke up, God answered my prayers loud and clear.

He decided to end it before it got too deep,

before it would have been more heart breaking and difficult.

he saved me the trouble of being sad over you for too long,

missing you too much, and wanting you back so bad.

.

because the truth is,

I don’t want you; I don’t need you.

I shouldn’t be feeling stupid, you should,

I did everything right, and everything fine.

All i did was be the person you knew i was.

I can do better, I deserve better.

I’M YOUNG ! boys are just a hobby ha.

you weren’t who i thought, or who i believed you to be.

.

But in the end, again, I need to ask myself one more time;

‘Was it worth it all?’

was it worth all the emotion, frustration, and pain?

was it worth the risk and gamble and trust lost?

was it worth the broken friendship, the hurt feeling, the regret?

was it worth having to be told ‘I told you so’ over and over?

.

The answer is..

Yes. yes it was worth all the trouble.

you were worth it because what we had was good,

it was everything that was right, it was pure and true.

the keyword in it all is ‘was’. But though this lasted

a very short amount of time, I have gained so much from you.

and I thank you for that. It was a good run, but its at its end.

“He told me he loved me, but i guess it just died out, like everything else,

that is beautiful in this world.”

.

and that’s the truth. what we had was beautiful,

but its dead now and i accept that its gone and

that its time to move on and let go.

There is omething out there waiting for me,

and you’re just not meant to be a part of it.

truth is, I don’t think it’ll be too hard this time.

well. goodbye then. I hope you know what you’re doing ha.

.

.

P.S. oh, and boy. you don’t even know dramatic ;P

Everything is a gift from God. everything. you just have to see it and accept it. Maybe you won’t see it right away, but eventually you will, and you’ll be grateful.